Venera’s

It;s lowkey heart shattering to imagine the shame of being a beggar, I understand the want to escape reality, hence using drugs. Passing through the metro door and seeing someone preparing a needle, looking spaced out and beyond. It was my first time seeing it this close. I just wish there was no need to be that way. I must think, are they happy?FOR EACH create their own happiness i suppose. It’s not a happy lifestyle but are they happy living it? Some must be. Seeking pleasure and finding it over and over again. High highs and low lows. Isn’t that what we all go through on a larger scale.. isn’t that the condensed meaning of life?

Then down the stairs I saw a nice looking man, maybe mid 40’s? He looked so ashamed like more than the usual nonchalance granted by experience. He seemed new to this. It made me think of how this could happen to anyone.
Also met a young man earlier who told me about his story and narcissisticly i thought…
I am liberated from money, money is no longer a source of fear for me! Is what i felt called to affirm
I am so conflicted because i feel like “loving myself” must be done even at my most bare, vulnerable and ugly self but i just cant seem to do that. I feel like my self love is superficial if it must rely on artificial things.
Just seen some cute guys holla at a baddie and she was the classic bro like small, bigger side with bit butt and lip fillers. I will never be understood, my beauty will never be understood but I don’t live for that… or i must not. Why though? Why is it so evil to want to be beautiful?

This man was just screaming things over and over , but my ear phones are on a high volume so i didn’t ear anything. I swear everyobe is laughing and as soon as i turn my volume down he stops screaming wtf?! I wanted 2 know what he was saying lol
Crazy how high my heart rate goes up when im smoking
These kids next to me were literally whispering in each other’s ears and pointing at me omfg everythibg feels like a conspiracy and i feel so ugly… my life is over.
La famille africaine derrière mois a commencé a rigoler quand je suis passée devant eux. Ils ont fait un commentaire semblent me parler “ca c’est une fille qui est sortie en boîte de nuit” pk je pense que tt le monde parke de moi??? On dirait que je deviens folle
Moi moi moi moi penses aux autres peut-être non?
Je viens de de promettre a Papa que j’allais ranger la nouvelle vaiselle en rentrant… je sais que je n’aurais pas envie mais je veux le faire en signe de redevance.

en même temps, qu’est-ce que je
CEST UN CERCLE VICIEUXXXXXXX
je pense a m1
je pense a m2
je pense a j

Everyone is kind of the same when i think about it, like meeting that guy earlier. He told me all about his recent troubles in life in which i saw so much of myself. His parents accused him of being in a gang and prostitution ring, which is funny because he also asked about my pkyaboy tattoo which is the reason i was also accused of the same thing from Evelyn (DPJ). Then he mentioned his aunt being there for him, exactly like me! Then talked about suicidal tendencies!
WaLkung outside nd its dark like rlly dark and rainy. ScAred lol poser suicidal. Makes me want to watch Taken
Just got a notification from r/beauty “Does any one else experience this at Sephora? Only treated well when wearing making” lol. So laughable what we discriminate other humans for. All because we’re insecure but don’t heal that
I’ve been losing so many aura points tonight
No negative talk
I think at all times so i must write at all time because i forget everything. I forgot the though I just had and it was very good. Just remember « life is a journey » don’t be a slave to time it doesn’t exist. Be right now, what you want to be. You have the ressources, stop seeking jt later.
Water drop

I must admit that I am a gold digger, but why do I feel so awful about it? I’m not tricking or manipulating anyone into giving me money, I just prefer to entertain gentlemen who will. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, yet I still feel guilty.

For example, the fox that I went on a date with. Utterly charming. But I got so bored when i realized he was looking at the price of everything! Now he wants to see me every week and obviously possibly date, but I want nothing to do with him despite the fact his personality and looks are quite perfect. That’s not fair, it takes the authenticity out of everything. I even thought about dating him genuinely, but I have no interest in doing so

I have become so greedy, I want money, money and more money. Despite the fact I’m making the most I have ever done, I still feel broke and constantly chasing it. I mean I almost make a doctor’s salary at 18! Maybe that’s also why I

So we’re halfway through the year and I am feeling called to write down my goals and the step to achieve them. This is a dump of every success related thought that I’ve had so far and are still relevant.

1) start a footwear (heel) brand

2) Be so authentically myself and connected to my inner consciousness\

3) Learn financial literacy and save smartly

4) Learn spanish

5) Get a nose job

6) Have a thorough understanding of the scientific subjects we will be taught at school

7) Workout

8) Master LOA

The 2 that im gonna focus on rn is to be authetically connected to myself (LOA) and to learn physics:

To read; the goddess makeover, dave ramsey book, how to become supernatural, how to create money

ALSO, I want to create en evening routine where i work out and use my nuface/gua sha

Had such a beautiful, perfect, amazing day today.

I saw Lili and we rekindled our friendship which I am absolutely thrilled about. We talked about what happened and i’m genuinely so happy because I believe we will be able to move forward and create a stronger, better friendship.

Even though I suffered so much through this friendship breakup, it was needed for my development (and hers from what she told me). I feel so confident and whole as a person now, there was like a whole 180 in my personality and overall self that I’ve only started realizing recently.

Then I got a driver to bring me to work because I was awfully late! My driver was literally myself as a 50 year old man. Wise, smart, beautiful, simple, witty.. Loved him! Even though at some point my ego felt threatened as he was telling me stuff I knew but talked opposite. I did acknowledge my threatened ego and corrected myself though, I think that’s important. Rather than letting it slide.I don’t know why I do that. Say things that don’t adhere to my philosophy.

For example, we were talking about being late (since I was late) and he told me that there are no people in this world who are truly on time. You are either late or in advance. Which is true, when you think about it. I agreed. I then proceeded to say that i didn’t think it was that bad since it’s not like I have big obligations. I automatically rectified that it doesn’t matter; I should treat everything equally. Surgeon or waited, small or big obligations, be on time. That’s exactly what he was going to say. He has my wisdom and much more but applies it. Love that.

I must start thinking before talking, thinking deeply. He was an escort booker for 2 years and told me a lot about his observations. Although I am not an escort I always have this kind of morbid curiosity when it comes to escorting.

I’ve been getting super into jazz-y music lately. I’m obsessed, I need sultry, I need sexy. I am such a sensual being. It sucks to be alive in this judgemental and conservative society. Let’s all be sexy, please.

Opened my Bible for the first time in so long yesterday. I was in bed, almost asleep and that specific setting made me crave knowledge. I feel less and less pulled towards cheap dopamine consumption and would rather do something enriching. Anyways, I opened my Bible for guidance. I am almost certain that Jesus-Christ’s teachings, outside of religious interpretation, can teach me a lot about things I need to know. Such as finding heaven within (being at peace)

Although I don’t really do my routines and haven’t changed my life the way I wanted to, I feel so different. Like something changed in me.

I’m excited to be moving! I’m moving in 1 week and I couldn’t be more happy about it. Some people don’t like moving, seeing it as an ending and being prematurely hit with nostalgia. Why do we make ourselves suffer so much? To me, though, it signifies a new beginning. And I love new beginnings.

Maurice asked to talk to me but he said it must be done face-to-face. I must admit I am a bit stressed, what is he going to tell me ? I feel so bad about how I’ve been treating him… He doesn’t deserve it. He is such a sweet soul, I must apologize and fix my behaviour. But what’s the point of fixing my behaviour if i don’t want to be with him? I wish he just understood that, and I wish I was brave enough to reinforce it. I’m just so scared of making the wrong choice. Whenever I say that i’m scared of something , the same sentence pops up in my head : everything you’ve been wanting is on the other side of fear. That is so true. I also find my indecisiveness so unfair to him, he deserves someone who is wholeheartedly sure about it. He says that he doesn’t care for that (relationship) and just wants to enjoy time spent together but I don’t feel that way about him at all. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely have a good time when we see each other, I like his vibe, his energy, his presence. But I never feel myself craving it. I feel like a hypocrite because I’ve been inferring the opposite… I don’t do it purposefully, I just want to give him what he wants and make him happy. Although I’ve been really upfront and honest, I must admit I have been sending mixed signals AF.

Loving the song some unholy war by amy winehouse. The down tempo version. So soulful.

I have an UTI tho that sucks lol

Im really just letting life flow through me and it feels amazing. Although I do need to learn to prioritize important things. I don’t plan my time well enough and it’s interfering with my goals. That’s kind og what i’m torn between right now. Do I want to be hungry for success and lock in, or do I simply want to chill and enjoy life as it comes? I feel that for many the answer is obvious, but not to me. Because my goals seem kind of generic and “whatever”. Such as being financially free, becoming more beautiful, getting good grades and graduating, etc…

Talking about graduation, I need to get sorted out with that school stuff. I have no idea what i’m doing and we’re literally the 20th of June. Why am I such an awful procrastinator. This is the biggest source of stress for me I think because I know it’s an expectation my dad has for me.

In addition of being an awful lover ugh, Why can’t I love guys? I love my friends. But I never feel absolutely enamored with a guy, which sucks. I hope it’s only because I haven’t met the right one and not because i am cold-hearted sociopathic bitch.

On another note, Im so excited for my nose job and having a new nose. I know it will all tie everything soooo nicely, even though i am already pretty. Universe please send me a nose job I don’t have to pay for lol, with harm to none. Thank you.

Today I literally rushed through every thing and I hate it. Although I was very busy, I was late to my appointment AND then late to work which stresses me out so bad. It is imperative that I find a way to correctly manage my time. Because of that, I did not prep my lunch or dinner and am now sitting at work hungry and suffering. It made me realize that bad time management and procrastination will always lead to suffering. Right now, it’s a moment thing but left untreated, it will become a life thing. Super important to treat!

Had a long conversation with a girl at work today.

Her energy is always pleasant so I felt inclined to talk to her; followed an hour long interaction that I feel was divinely sent to me.

First of all here’s why i think she’s awesome:

• Was a sex worker throughout Europe (Germany, Austria, Spain, France etc). Slay.
• Pulled herself out of a very deep depression, shows her resilience.
• Takes micro doses of magic mushrooms and says they’ve helped her more than anything before.
• Once fell asleep with the stove on when on Valium. It was prescribed.
• Said “no matter how the economy is, there will always be people with money”. I think this is beautiful because I have once said the same thing.
• She has a clear vision and I think I admire no one more than I admire someone who knows what they want and are hungry for it.
• Is taking a course to be a boat instructor. I love the randomness.
• Speaks 5 languages, or 4 i don’t remember.

We talked about many things, I loved listening to hear unfortunately i’m not comfortable to speak with my lisp. I’m seriously considering the removal of this piercing

She told me to buy a property, that’s what I should do with my money. Buy property. I think I might have to, I would love to own a duplex to start out. And also try micro dosing magic mushrooms, apparently they stop making everything feel like a chore.

I’m beyond grateful for this interaction, I kept a good feeling inside,

I love typing

Just thought an awesome thought and sat down to write abt it…………… completely forgot every single thoughts i’ve had. Before.

Bummed.

Maybe its the drugs