Beautiful day

Had such a beautiful, perfect, amazing day today.

I saw Lili and we rekindled our friendship which I am absolutely thrilled about. We talked about what happened and i’m genuinely so happy because I believe we will be able to move forward and create a stronger, better friendship.

Even though I suffered so much through this friendship breakup, it was needed for my development (and hers from what she told me). I feel so confident and whole as a person now, there was like a whole 180 in my personality and overall self that I’ve only started realizing recently.

Then I got a driver to bring me to work because I was awfully late! My driver was literally myself as a 50 year old man. Wise, smart, beautiful, simple, witty.. Loved him! Even though at some point my ego felt threatened as he was telling me stuff I knew but talked opposite. I did acknowledge my threatened ego and corrected myself though, I think that’s important. Rather than letting it slide.I don’t know why I do that. Say things that don’t adhere to my philosophy.

For example, we were talking about being late (since I was late) and he told me that there are no people in this world who are truly on time. You are either late or in advance. Which is true, when you think about it. I agreed. I then proceeded to say that i didn’t think it was that bad since it’s not like I have big obligations. I automatically rectified that it doesn’t matter; I should treat everything equally. Surgeon or waited, small or big obligations, be on time. That’s exactly what he was going to say. He has my wisdom and much more but applies it. Love that.

I must start thinking before talking, thinking deeply. He was an escort booker for 2 years and told me a lot about his observations. Although I am not an escort I always have this kind of morbid curiosity when it comes to escorting.

I’ve been getting super into jazz-y music lately. I’m obsessed, I need sultry, I need sexy. I am such a sensual being. It sucks to be alive in this judgemental and conservative society. Let’s all be sexy, please.

Opened my Bible for the first time in so long yesterday. I was in bed, almost asleep and that specific setting made me crave knowledge. I feel less and less pulled towards cheap dopamine consumption and would rather do something enriching. Anyways, I opened my Bible for guidance. I am almost certain that Jesus-Christ’s teachings, outside of religious interpretation, can teach me a lot about things I need to know. Such as finding heaven within (being at peace)

Although I don’t really do my routines and haven’t changed my life the way I wanted to, I feel so different. Like something changed in me.

I’m excited to be moving! I’m moving in 1 week and I couldn’t be more happy about it. Some people don’t like moving, seeing it as an ending and being prematurely hit with nostalgia. Why do we make ourselves suffer so much? To me, though, it signifies a new beginning. And I love new beginnings.

Maurice asked to talk to me but he said it must be done face-to-face. I must admit I am a bit stressed, what is he going to tell me ? I feel so bad about how I’ve been treating him… He doesn’t deserve it. He is such a sweet soul, I must apologize and fix my behaviour. But what’s the point of fixing my behaviour if i don’t want to be with him? I wish he just understood that, and I wish I was brave enough to reinforce it. I’m just so scared of making the wrong choice. Whenever I say that i’m scared of something , the same sentence pops up in my head : everything you’ve been wanting is on the other side of fear. That is so true. I also find my indecisiveness so unfair to him, he deserves someone who is wholeheartedly sure about it. He says that he doesn’t care for that (relationship) and just wants to enjoy time spent together but I don’t feel that way about him at all. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely have a good time when we see each other, I like his vibe, his energy, his presence. But I never feel myself craving it. I feel like a hypocrite because I’ve been inferring the opposite… I don’t do it purposefully, I just want to give him what he wants and make him happy. Although I’ve been really upfront and honest, I must admit I have been sending mixed signals AF.

Loving the song some unholy war by amy winehouse. The down tempo version. So soulful.

I have an UTI tho that sucks lol

Im really just letting life flow through me and it feels amazing. Although I do need to learn to prioritize important things. I don’t plan my time well enough and it’s interfering with my goals. That’s kind og what i’m torn between right now. Do I want to be hungry for success and lock in, or do I simply want to chill and enjoy life as it comes? I feel that for many the answer is obvious, but not to me. Because my goals seem kind of generic and “whatever”. Such as being financially free, becoming more beautiful, getting good grades and graduating, etc…

Talking about graduation, I need to get sorted out with that school stuff. I have no idea what i’m doing and we’re literally the 20th of June. Why am I such an awful procrastinator. This is the biggest source of stress for me I think because I know it’s an expectation my dad has for me.

In addition of being an awful lover ugh, Why can’t I love guys? I love my friends. But I never feel absolutely enamored with a guy, which sucks. I hope it’s only because I haven’t met the right one and not because i am cold-hearted sociopathic bitch.

On another note, Im so excited for my nose job and having a new nose. I know it will all tie everything soooo nicely, even though i am already pretty. Universe please send me a nose job I don’t have to pay for lol, with harm to none. Thank you.

Today I literally rushed through every thing and I hate it. Although I was very busy, I was late to my appointment AND then late to work which stresses me out so bad. It is imperative that I find a way to correctly manage my time. Because of that, I did not prep my lunch or dinner and am now sitting at work hungry and suffering. It made me realize that bad time management and procrastination will always lead to suffering. Right now, it’s a moment thing but left untreated, it will become a life thing. Super important to treat!